Workin' For a Livin'

You know what the last four months have felt like? They've felt like that little chunk of time between being sentenced to jail and actually going into prison. Your time to say your goodbyes and your I love you's and masturbate in peace without other dudes looking. It's felt fantastic, and now it's all coming to an end.

I have to start paying back my student loans in two months. And I'm still a stock boy. With a car payment. And no one else wants to hire me. Why?

EXPERIENCE.

I don't have it. Well, I shouldn't say that. The last five years I've progressed from being a stock boy to being a sort-of manager but really I'm just a guy who puts cans on shelves. I have some experience, but when you look at my job on a piece of paper, it looks like shit. It's the only job I've ever had (they worked around my school schedule) and right now it's the only place that wants me. Right now I'm the chick at the bar you really don't want to bang, but it's 1:30 and your options are me and a Kleenex. It seems like everyone else is Natalie Portman and they're all getting chosen before me.

To be fair, wise choice.

Just irritating. I've applied for I don't know how many jobs over the last month and have gotten a few e-mails but nothing substantial. Comes back to experience. While some kids were doing internships I was working 35 hours a week plus 15 hours of class. I had to pay for shit, and I couldn't work for free when I had bills to pay. But does an employer really care about that? I can say my work ethic is strong (which it is) but I don't have the what? SAY IT WITH ME NOW!

EXPERIENCE!

Just a short rant, had to get that out of me. I'm nowhere near done trying, and I'm happy to have any job at all. But Goddamn, welfare sounds like a good idea.

MOVIE TIME!!!!!!!

Saw Battle: LA last Friday. That's all the review I want to write. I saw it, I definitely saw it. I know I saw a variety of stereotypes engage in various 80s movie cliches without acknowledging they're 80's movie cliches. I saw terrible acting and heard inane dialogue that made me want to vomit. But rather than explain all this, let me give you an example: SPOILER ALERT...WELL, NOT REALLY BUT KINDA

At one point, our Marines are holed up in a building and are engaging the alien enemy from outside. They manage to harm one alien, and bring him inside to examine it to discern where to aim for in order to kill it. Now, they have a doctor, a guy straight out of Blood Diamond. His thick African accent is difficult to understand, but you sense he has an idea of what he's doing. You would think he would examine the alien since he's the only one with any relative experience with dissection. What happens instead? A civilian, a woman, says she may be able to help. How, you may ask?

"I'm a veterinarian"

This is where I slit my wrists. And this is why I not only give this movie no stars, but it OWES me stars.

SONG TIME!!!!!!!

Black Milk feat. Royce da 5'9"- Losing Out

This is the kinda song I play whenever I need to get hyped for something, assuming that no Nelly Furtado is available. Good Jesus, I don't know what to say other than this beat is rocking.

Until next time.

Mom Jeans and White People

I wanted to preface this by stating that I like white people. I genuinely do, you're a fine group of people. As a matter of fact, this blog is primarily written for you because quite frankly you surround me and I have no other audience. I can't escape you, hell, I even live with two of you (hi Mom and Dad!). In general, I get along with you. There are some things that you do that irritate me, like when you spit chew into empty Mountain Dew bottles and drive a truck with Confederate flag tinted windows.

Come to think of it, a lot of things about white people anger me. I don't like happy white people, God, they're the worst. The ones that always have a smile on their face and take their family to Sears at Christmas-time and send out bi-annual family newsletters.

Example of a happy white family

Look at those people. What the hell is their problem? Wait, is she wearing overalls? Is she Blossom? Clarissa explaining it all at 30? Who the hell is that woman? And her kids?! The daughter has absolutely no interest in what's going on, probably going to grow up to be on Teen Mom 6 and the boy looks like a pre-pubescent Moe Stooge. Jesus Christ, and the dad? Was he in New Kids on the Block? Or is he just Joey McIntyre's older brother?

Now, to contrast, let's look at a different family.

Example of the best family ever

Do I even need to say anything?

Let's pretend it's the early 1980's. You're an executive at NBC. You have a script on your desk for a new sitcom called The Cosby Show (also pretending that Bill Cosby's name is spelled Bill Cosbie and therefore a near-coincidence) and you love it. You want to make this show. The scene in the pilot where Cliff teaches Theo about spending using Monopoly money? Hilarious, you know it's going to be legendary. You can't wait to film it. Problem is, you need to start casting ASAP to have it on the air in September and it's already March. You need to get on it.

Your assistant sends you pictures of different families so you figure out what kind of family you want. A combative family? A loving family? A white family? A black family? You're not sure yet. Judging from the pilot script, you want a wholesome TV show, like Family Ties. You narrow it down to the two pictures from above. Which family seems more familial. The white family? With the creepy haired kid and the boy-band dad or the black family, who ACTUALLY looks like a family?!

Are you kidding me? Fucking white people, man, could you imagine the Cosby Show with a bunch of white people? No, no you can't. Because you know white people better than that. You know the rednecks. You know the ones who wear wife beaters. You know the white people that shop at K-Mart. You know better. Even the happy ones get on your nerves.

Not only that, white people ruined the ass for everyone. You've done nothing right, white people. Thanks.

Oh, and real quick, since I posted yesterday, I'm already forgoing the movie and song thing. Mainly because I forgot about it and the formatting is being a bitch and not letting me re-type below my caption. So we'll get to it next time. This blog ran long anyway.

Thanks, Whitey 

Ma Bell, I Got the Ill Communication

I don't get excited about much anymore. I mean, why bother? I'm excited about the next Harry Potter movie (shut it) but after two and a half hours in a dark theater, it's gone. Not literally, but the mystique is gone. Ten years and eight movies have boiled down to little more than temporary escapism in my book. I remember watching Katie Couric do a special on the first movie when it came out (I was 13 at the time) and I was all caught up in the wonder and excitement of Potter-mania (and pubes) and I forced my dad to take me to the first Saturday matinee showing at our local theater (a crumbling Regal Cinemas).

Off topic, but I owe my dad approximately $900 in restitution and damages for making him sit through Gay Batman. Seriously, some of the movies I made him sit through...Jesus Christ.

Anyway, I just remember being so excited about seeing the Quidditch and the other magic shit and it was all fantastic. Life was great. After skipping films two through four I'm completely lost but hey, I'll always remember that first movie. And naked Hermione from the last flick.

A quick aside- If I was ever going to get arrested for public lewdness, it would've been for naked Hermione.

Now, I just don't care. Nothing gets me excited. Until I saw this. And heard that.

http://blog.beastieboys.com/

The Beastie Boys have a new song, a new album, and some rocking new cover art. And I jizzed in my pants just a bit.

A new Beastie Boys album for me is like a new child for the Duggars- I just feel comfortable knowing there's more of them. I don't know what it is about the Beastie Boys that I love so much. It's not that they're white (but in case you were wondering, they are indeed white gentlemen). It's not that they're particularly lyrical. And it's been a long-ass time since they were a near-novelty act with Fight For Your Right and Paul Revere.

I think it's just because whenever I hear Sabotage, I want to break shit. When I hear Intergalactic, I want to do the Robot. When I hear Ch-Check It Out, I'm a junior in high school. So I guess, to sum it up, when I hear the Beastie Boys, I feel something. Something nostalgic. And I guess I just get excited to think about a time in my life when I knew what excitement was like.

MOVIE TIME!!!!!!!

I decided at the end of these blogs, I'm going to recommend a movie and a song that I want you to watch and listen to because I wouldn't lie to you. It's worth it. They may not be new, but they're new to me, and presumably new to you. And this weeks film is.......

Saw this last night. Figured it to be Flowers For Algernon with a handsome fella. Turns out I was right except Bradley Cooper did not play a retard and there was no mouse. However, he does take a pill that makes him super intelligent, and there are consequences, and Robert De Niro is still continuing his streak of being completely unaware he's still making motion pictures. All in all, I actually enjoyed this way more than I thought I would. I wouldn't spend full admission on it (it was $4 at a local theater), which is the only reason I saw it. So see it for for four bucks. Not a penny more.

SONG TIME!!!!!!!

This song is not new in the least. It's called T.R.O.Y. aka They Reminisce Over You by Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth. It's off the album Mecca and the Soul Brother (sound familiar?) and I love this song more than most of my family members. First time I heard the instrumental was on NBA Street Vol. 2 (back in 2003) and I fell in love with the damn thing. Give it a listen. Quite possibly my favorite song of all-time, the samples, the production, the lyrics...all just perfect.

Enjoy the Internet. Until next time.