Mom Jeans and White People

I wanted to preface this by stating that I like white people. I genuinely do, you're a fine group of people. As a matter of fact, this blog is primarily written for you because quite frankly you surround me and I have no other audience. I can't escape you, hell, I even live with two of you (hi Mom and Dad!). In general, I get along with you. There are some things that you do that irritate me, like when you spit chew into empty Mountain Dew bottles and drive a truck with Confederate flag tinted windows.

Come to think of it, a lot of things about white people anger me. I don't like happy white people, God, they're the worst. The ones that always have a smile on their face and take their family to Sears at Christmas-time and send out bi-annual family newsletters.

Example of a happy white family

Look at those people. What the hell is their problem? Wait, is she wearing overalls? Is she Blossom? Clarissa explaining it all at 30? Who the hell is that woman? And her kids?! The daughter has absolutely no interest in what's going on, probably going to grow up to be on Teen Mom 6 and the boy looks like a pre-pubescent Moe Stooge. Jesus Christ, and the dad? Was he in New Kids on the Block? Or is he just Joey McIntyre's older brother?

Now, to contrast, let's look at a different family.

Example of the best family ever

Do I even need to say anything?

Let's pretend it's the early 1980's. You're an executive at NBC. You have a script on your desk for a new sitcom called The Cosby Show (also pretending that Bill Cosby's name is spelled Bill Cosbie and therefore a near-coincidence) and you love it. You want to make this show. The scene in the pilot where Cliff teaches Theo about spending using Monopoly money? Hilarious, you know it's going to be legendary. You can't wait to film it. Problem is, you need to start casting ASAP to have it on the air in September and it's already March. You need to get on it.

Your assistant sends you pictures of different families so you figure out what kind of family you want. A combative family? A loving family? A white family? A black family? You're not sure yet. Judging from the pilot script, you want a wholesome TV show, like Family Ties. You narrow it down to the two pictures from above. Which family seems more familial. The white family? With the creepy haired kid and the boy-band dad or the black family, who ACTUALLY looks like a family?!

Are you kidding me? Fucking white people, man, could you imagine the Cosby Show with a bunch of white people? No, no you can't. Because you know white people better than that. You know the rednecks. You know the ones who wear wife beaters. You know the white people that shop at K-Mart. You know better. Even the happy ones get on your nerves.

Not only that, white people ruined the ass for everyone. You've done nothing right, white people. Thanks.

Oh, and real quick, since I posted yesterday, I'm already forgoing the movie and song thing. Mainly because I forgot about it and the formatting is being a bitch and not letting me re-type below my caption. So we'll get to it next time. This blog ran long anyway.

Thanks, Whitey